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You’re self-aware. Your EQ factors in just how important strong relationships are to your success and well-being. Whether its your church small group, departmental staff, or your friends, who share the same hobbies, pastimes, or experiences, you can probably point to aha moments that deepened your approach to life.

In her book, Spiritual Disciplines Handbook, Adele Calhoun describes “Community” as believers connected to one another “in authentic and loving ways that encourage growth in Christ.” One of the most satisfying and precious experiences that I can recall as a minister of 29 years involves the formation of a prayer group of pastors in our small community of 9,000 people.

What began as an effort to connect community ministers into a ministerial association became a tight-knit group of friends, who share transparently, love one another authentically, and pray together passionately. We didn’t start that way. We came with our churchy, traditional labels. Yet, over the last 10 years, 9:30 AM on Thursday became a sacred space for a Lutheran, 2 Baptists, a Methodist, a Charismatic, 2 Independents, a Presbyterian, and a Pentecostal (yours truly). We discovered one another’s families, grace experiences, histories, gifts, philosophies of ministry, scars, triumphs, and a shared love for Jesus; things that lie transcend denominational labels.

I owe most of my encouragement over these last 9 years to their friendship and care. As I consider how friendships in our group developed and how a sense of real community took shape, four factors emerge that I see as essential.

  1. We share our stories and histories. Friendship don’t form without stories. We began loving each other when we started knowing each other. Richard Foth likens our personal stories to velcro ribbons that others can attach to their own experiences. Community begins to form when we create space for others to share their stories and learn to share ours.
  2. We also affirm one another, practically, through prayer and action. Praying for one another transcends all lines of personhood and experience and affirms the value that God already assigns in each of us. When I pray for you, I speak words to God about you. Affirming actions happen both in word and deed. Affirmation also happens in the words of life that we speak to one another. Actions also include the time we spend together and the gifts we give one another.
  3. Commitment or Covenanting also contributes significantly to the community we share. Actually, 9:30 AM on Thursdays reflects more than a commitment. It demonstrates a value that costs precious ministry time in a busy schedule. We also share the responsibility of hosting the meeting at our churches and the host provides breakfast. Covenant happens in service and sacrifice.
  4. Finally, we dream together. Because we trust one another with our stories and scars, we also affirm one another’s faith and dreams for life, church, and family. Larry Crabb writes that vision happens when we give to others of who and what they could become when “when it echoes what the spirit has already spoken into their souls” (Connecting, 2005, 112). Those dreams find their ways into how we pray and encourage each other.

You build a greater sense of community by leaning into your strengths and identifying practical steps to lead with greater purpose and intention. Want to deepen your own friendships? Do you desire to see your small group take the next step towards becoming more life-giving? Coaching can help you get there. Contact me for a first free coaching session to get started.


Reflect on Life Giving Relationships Around You.

  1. What are your favorite, most energizing environments for genuine connections with others?
  2. How do your values and gifts empower others?
  3. What happens to you when you go without regular connections with your strongest friends?
  4. How consistently do you connect with spiritual friends or peers?

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